Six years ago... (Reflection)
In my past, six years ago, I was scared.
And I would breathe through the scared and hear a midwife's voice from 2015 (ten years ago) and remember to push my breath down and out of my body.
Six years ago, I had just found out that a human inside of my body was not head down. But folded in half, like I was in my mother's womb, and was butt down.
I googled. And I meditated. Because I had no idea what I was doing. But I trusted my body was designed to survive this experience. And I had a trained medical professional near by “in case of emergency.”
I was a medical emergency when I was born. A slice up and down my mother's abdomen. A much more invasive surgery in 1984 than in 2019. And here I was, having room #1 when everything goes to plan. And a very close room #2 when the plan swings sideways.
Having a baby should not be considered an emergency, in my personal opinion. It's a human design characteristic to keep evolving. And without being too divisive, the women can lead the charge in birthing and then men can sit and watch the miracle of life. Because empathy and sympathy are different.
The moment Luka's water broke his butt first body was one way journey and the only thing to do was use the machine I had been gifted at first and just breathe and push, until, until, until, those feet's flopped out and it was such a huge release. Now only his head and arms (?) were left inside. Fact check the arms with anyone of the fifteen plus eye witnesses. I couldn't see from my vantage point.
And these days when I help Luka with shirts I always remind him to tuck his chin to not get stuck. And his muscle memory starts from the doctor reaching a hand up me with Luka dangling half out and putting his finger in Luka's mouth and tucking his chin from him and me and then all of Luka was pushed all the way out.
After survival, my body released a lot of adrenaline. I am still very grateful towards everyone that helped me feel safe and worthy and creative.
And then, after all the success, what happens to the mother? Does her body “bounce”? But to what was before, she doesn't exist anymore because it's the mother than transforms when the child is successfully breathing without the placenta. A mother's body grows an internal organ filter for the child inside. I ate DJ’s placenta. Luka's was taken as waste because a hospital has different rules than a home birth.
Luka carries the tico scar on his shoulder of proof of me in Costa Rica during the push out.
Six years ago, I started to pay attention to how people turn towards people they genuinely love.
Six years ago, DJ was almost big enough for me to feel him squeeze me in a hug.
Hugs are important. Thirteen a day if you want. It's your central nervous system. And I don't get any missed hugs back.
I am paying attention now. I feel joyful I get squeezed tight by both of my sons. I create my reality by maintenance of myself and loving relationships. I trust there is more love towards me in the future. I honor helpers along my journey. I speak about my authentic experience to share my valuable perspective. I love being Luka & Dario's mom.
Tomorrow it's our six year anniversary of our family. And even though it looks different from the outside today, I am Luka's mother forever. And I am so in love.
In the same way, I trust I will have more love for Luka every day that I get to know him better, I trust that all energies we are intentionally feeding, will grow and multiply.
I am Luka's mother and I feel powerful.
Your respiratory system is working to switch to the non dominant and back again every two minutes or so.
If you wanted to choose two emotions to carry with you : joyful powerful peaceful
Which two do you choose?
Anger sadness and scared are three more emotional examples.