I woke up this morning - sad, lonely, depressed are three nuanced emotions
And felt sad. I am so tired of feeling so sad. I’m over it.
Sadness seems like it’s the emotion I can access the quickest. Sadness comes easily into my system.
So every day I practice gratitude, and I am working to reprogram my brain to look for happiness. Dopamine. Serotonin. Oxytocin. Endorphins. The brain chemicals that help the body feel what is Happy.
Sadness and happiness feel different in the body. Sadness and happiness bring up different memories. So I pause and ask myself, “What is this feeling teaching me?”
Today I read, People see the decision you made, they don’t see the choices you were given. And that hit home for me.
You can look at my life from the outside and see what decisions I have made. And I promise, in the present moment, when I was making those decisions, I had been given choices by others. Legally binding choices I thought. So I made the best decisions with the information provided. And then, my legally binding document wasn’t so legal, and the co-signer gets to choose which parts to follow and which parts slide. And if I want to make a complaint? To who? The offender? The person who signed the document and knew they wouldn’t follow through with parts on the day of signing? Well, that was the point of the legal document, from my perspective. I can’t control you, and I don’t want to, but this is a blueprint that would help us to coexist and coparent even when we don’t communicate happily together.
But we didn’t communicate happily together when we were married.
Divorce for me was my way out of a relationship that didn’t care if I lived or died.
That’s my reality. That’s my past. That’s why I left. They didn’t care about me.
To come home to a relationship that didn’t acknowledge I existed. The definition of lonely. And my Central Nervous system learned to cope. Because the coping started in 2015. My body has learned how to survive under chronic stress and high cortisol levels. This is living with someone who has narcissism and then lying to my face in tiny ways over and over. And still, the lies turned to silence and apathy and neglect as the relationship wore on. This is the hard part to describe to others. The simple lack of acknowledgement. I could hear their voice directed towards the kids. I would hear what we were doing that day, not to me, but through their communication with the other people they found important enough to talk directly to.
In relationship, you can turn towards, turn away or ignore. I was ignored. So yes, I finally said, f this I’m out.
Today, my older son hugged me tightly. He’s nine years old. I’m pretty sure it was this hug to me with arms that could squeeze around my body seven years ago - 2018 - this is when I felt a front side squeeze hug that made me aware that another person was not hugging me in any way. This is when I can date the start of nonexistent hugs from my ex. And my truth is, when you are married to someone who doesn’t hug you, they also don’t kiss you for fun or say I love you to your face. And then, when the relationship is over, because I say so in July 2023, that gives me a five-year window of No Hugs. And COVID was during that time. A huge stressor for lots of humans, and I was not being hugged. And a human craves 13 hugs a day. No one gets to go back in time and change anything. And, today, hugs are essential for any friendship, romantic or otherwise, in my personal opinion. So heart hug the next time you see me. Left arm up and head to the right. I need one. I promise.
Towards the end, the last six months, January 2023 - July 2023, there was no love. No fight either, though. They just didn’t talk to me at all. No communication. I can hear the sound of their voice talking to the kids. I don’t remember how they sounded looking at me. Like, I would come home and holler out “I’m home!” and he would be there. Working on his computer, but I was met with silence. Zero reaction towards my presence. And my Central Nervous System was like, “Is this what you want? Is this love? Is this relationship valuable?” Because for years, I had been making excuses for poor behaviour.
I had these doubtful questions mulling around since 2015. Eight years of thinking, “tomorrow it’ll be better. I can do my part and fix my side of the street, and tomorrow, he’ll say, “I love you” again.” Tomorrow… Tomorrow… Tomorrow…
And in March of 2023, I asked a specific question to one person. “Can we pretend to date? Can we practice flirting?” And they responded, “I married you. Why would I do that?”
That’s a moment when my reality began to sink in. I knew I couldn’t change them, and I was so tired of trying. The feeling of tiredness is under the sad umbrella of emotions.
I offer this post as a beacon of hope to those who feel the same. I left my relationship of sixteen years for a thousand different tiny reasons, most of which were unseen by anyone else but me. And that’s important. Because I have my reasons, and I feel confident that I made the best decisions of my life in July 2023.
That’s the moment that I said, “I am important. I matter. My feelings matter.” And that’s when they realized I wouldn’t be in a trashy relationship anymore. I am strong enough to be alone. And I would rather be alone and working on myself and finding another energy ball that wants to love me proudly, than be in a relationship, but feel lonely.
Being alone and feeling lonely are different things.
Now, it’s 2025 and I’m coming up on my two year anniversary of when my life changed significantly. My Central Nervous System now is in a loving relationship full of hugs, kisses and I love yous.
And I’m still reprogramming my brain. Remember, my Central Nervous system adapted to survive a loveless marriage for years and I’m untraining a lot of my poor behaviors. Behaviors I learned under stress and in crisis but now, don’t need to continue because I’m not under stress more or in crisis, at least not like I was.
The human body is designed to let emotions pass through and feel neutral. Continuing to remember sad moments of my past, redoses my brain chemically and I can literally make myself feel very sad. In the same way, I am training my brain to choose moments of joy, power, and peace from my past instead. It’s been a journey for sure.
Thank for your continuing to be here, observing my growth and resilience. I love you too.
Virg