Butterfly Effect : You don't get to go back and change the past
But if I were to go back - I would go back to the darkest moment in time.
April/March 2023 for me, I hope, will be the scariest two months of my life. Because these were the months that I thought, the only way out is death.
And in the world of self-confirmation bias, when you find a way to change your mind about dying, you start again.
My start over story starts in the middle. I was a marriage that I thought I would die in. At the beginning of the relationship, I thought death would come in old age and sitting in rocking chairs holding hands while looking at the Pacific Ocean. But as the relationship wore on, and when it was not getting better, and when everything was phrased as ‘my fault’ I was beginning to wonder. How do I get out without hurting the children? I had three D words rattling around in my brain more than most: Desertion Death Divorce
When I would look at him, the father of my children, he wasn’t looking at me at this point in the relationship. To be living in a home with another human who won’t talk or make eye contact is like living in a war zone emotionally. Everything you do is a land mine. But he didn’t get angry until I finally had the courage to break up with him. Until that moment in time, he was ignoring me as a person. No touch. No speak. Nothing towards me in love. It’s called Neglect, and there’s a definition.
Leaving my relationship started with me thinking of all the ways that I could die and just leave. Maybe then he would notice? But then the Universe gave me - gifted me - a new idea.
It came from out of nowhere and until that moment in time I was hyper-focused on how death could get me out of my relationship. And then, the Universe showed me another way.
I stubbed my toe while going for a walk on a Saturday and it caused me to notice a person doing a headstand on a surf board. I then spent the next hour watching this person have fun surfing. And the idea was: if you die, you never meet them. If you live, you could meet them. They could be a better relationship person than your current relationship person. Stay alive.
Stay alive. A new thought process started to take hold in April 2023. This or better, and you can only experience it as a human, when you are alive.
Nowadays, gratitude and aliveness fill my bucket. I also feel love in my life again, and this helps tremendously too. Because if the human is designed to feel neutral, which emotion would you choose intentionally to feel more in your future? Pick one, two, or all six majors: Peaceful Anger Powerful Sadness Joyful Scared