At 6 weeks and 5 days, I started to spot. At first, I’m like, hmm, what’s that? I’m sure it's nothing. You Google - bleeding during pregnancy - and at first you read the articles that tell you it’s totally normal to spot while pregnant, you read about women who continue to get their periods throughout their pregnancy, you read it's something that happens. But then you start bleeding a little bit more and start to have some cramping and you reluctantly click on the miscarriage articles. I went to bed on a Wednesday night with my fingers crossed but I woke up Thursday morning to some pretty intense cramping and when I went to the restroom I literally, pushed, a couple of pretty big blog clots out. Big enough to be a sweet pea which is about the size of the embryo at 7 weeks. And I was and am still sad. But every day, with time, gets easier.
You can bleed for up to four weeks while miscarrying. I bled for eight days. If I would not have known that I was pregnant, I probably would have thought that my period was late and then came back with a vengeance. It was the most intense bleed of my life but everything seemed to take care of itself. I didn't go see a doctor. After the big cramping and clots on Thursday everything settled down and I felt alright. If I would have continued to have pain or a super heavy flow, I would have gone to see someone. I was planning on taking a pregnancy test today actually, just to make sure. It takes about two weeks for the pregnancy hormones to leave the body and the pee test would have come back negative, but I got my period. So back to life before being pregnant, sort of. Let's try again!
I didn’t know if I wanted to have a second kid and then we got pregnant and there was no doubt in my mind that this is exactly what I wanted. You open your heart, you fill it, and then you lose it. It sucks. And still, its how it goes. Life is change - the only thing that is constant is change. So you roll with it. And now I’m absolutely certain that I want another baby. And still, I recognize that it may not be in the cards, but we’re trying.
I told folks on my Instagram Stories what was going on but I’m still getting people congratulating me on my pregnancy. Which, in person, I’ll just say we lost it. If it's online, I’ve just been letting it go, folks will find out in time. Perhaps now. And I’ve waited a couple weeks to do this post and I have to say, this experience has truly opened my eyes to how different life is with a week. A day. A moment. If you are not happy where you are, and a lot of us aren’t, our future life is undetermined. PERIOD, no exceptions. We have a huge opportunity to be anything, do anything. Every single day.
The moment I found out I was pregnant I started dreaming of my new, very real at the time, life. And the timelines of teaching yoga, taking time off, figuring out where we would live, when we would be flying back to the States and get back in time to have the baby, there were so many puzzle pieces that just locked into place because of the pregnancy timeline and now I feel like something came to my puzzle table and just flipped it over. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANTED. And still, it’s what happened. And there isn’t any going back. So let’s pick up the pieces and put it back together. Maybe with a baby, maybe not. But I can put these pieces back any which way I want, and that is something that I had absolutely forgotten. So thank you life experiences. Bad things that happen to you are NOT YOUR FAULT but your life is still your RESPONSIBILITY.
So I was pregnant and now I’m not. I’d like to be again. And we’ll see if that happens. And I’ll tell you all over again as soon as I know. I’m not ashamed of having a miscarriage. It’s something that happens to a lot of women and I would like to live in a world where women talk about their lives and their experiences in real time. So we can be there for each other. If I would have had to go through this very emotional experience by myself… that’s crazy and potentially harmful. Let’s live in a world where people are supported and heard.