After we had our miscarriage in June I knew that I wanted nothing more than to have a second child. I had had my doubts about having multiple children, thinking Dario would be enough from the beginning. I am an only child and this seemed like a very viable option. But as Dario grew out of being a baby, I realized I wanted that experience again. I wanted to soak it all in one more time, this time having a better idea of what would happen. With Dario I was, of course, happy with where he was but always anticipating the future. Thinking, “I can’t wait until… he can sit, he can walk, he can talk.” This time, I want to be present in the moment and just soak it all in.
I began to read everything about getting pregnant after miscarriage feeling a little rushed because I now knew exactly what I wanted and was kicking myself a bit for waiting two full years to start trying again, silly, I know, but an honest expression of how I was feeling nonetheless.
People say wait three months, people say they got pregnant they day after they miscarried, people say all the things. So let’s do it. Let’s get pregnant, again (fingers crossed). And I read and I read and I read and I learn all the things about how someone conceives a baby, learning a couple of new strategies that I didn’t know when working to conceive Dario.
The first month arrives and Zac and I spend time on all the right days but no luck. Then the next month I focus. And I mean focus. I eat the right foods, drink water, but really, perhaps most importantly, I do all things to have a happy marriage. I stop bad habits that irk Zac - like too much social media scrolling. I think kind thoughts about Zac and remember all the things that I love about him. Because I need to keep my marriage happy and I need to like Zac. I need to want to spend time with him but not freak him out because he doesn’t want me to obsess about getting pregnant - we are well past that point - and I need him to like me too without giving the obsession away. And I prioritize hanging out with him. One night, and to be honest, I think this was “the” night, I came home in between teaching and going out with friends and it worked. Four days later I felt an intense, quick sensation which may have been implantation and four days later I took a pregnancy test. I didn’t tell Zac because he was so frustrated with how many pregnancy tests I had purchased the first month that I peed a positive pregnancy test the day before my expected period and stayed mum.
Fast forward six weeks, Zac and I are back in the States on vacation and he looks over and says, “You’re pregnant, aren’t you.” I nod. “How long have you known?” Shhhh… don’t tell him!
First positive pregnancy April 2018
Miscarriage May 2018
Second positive pregnancy August 2018
Expected Due Date for Baby #2 - May 5, 2019
I have to say that trying to get pregnant after a loss is stressful. And we had an early miscarriage, a miscarriage that if I wasn’t paying attention I would have thought my period was late and then came back with a vengeance. So if you have a friend or loved one that is trying to have a baby I can tell you from experience that the days are crawling by. Either you’re waiting for ovulation days to happen, you’re super aware and focused on having sex when they are, and then fighting every urge to take a pregnancy every day until your next period does, or does not, come. And if you’re trying to get pregnant, I know you know its logical to not “worry” about it but you just can’t help it. So drink more water than you think you should, go to bed early, and work on having a happy, healthy relationship more than you’re worried about getting pregnant at just the right moment. If you have sex four days in a row on the perfect time in your cycle you’re doing everything in your power to make this happen.
And if you have a friend or loved one that has had a miscarriage, this is super important and what I would want to shout from the rooftops - whatever it is that you want to say to them to comfort them or “make them feel better” just keep to yourself. Say, “I’m sorry” and offer a hug and that’s it. Absolutely no “everything happens for a reason” or “you can try again” or “this will pass” or or or. There isn’t anything that you can say to make them feel better about everything and I know you’re just trying to find something to say but its probably because you don’t know what to say so you say what you think you should say, but its not the right thing. Because there isn’t anything that you can say, just offer a hug or an ear without any of those solace phrases and you’re on the right path. To be honest, I would say all those things before having a miscarriage because no one tells you, no one talks about it. But now I know and now you do too.